No matter your sexual fantasy, there’s a kinky sex act to help you explore it. It just might require a little legwork to do it without crossing people’s boundaries because kinky sex tends to be a bit higher stakes than your everyday missionary. Kink is any sexual activity or fantasy that sits outside of the norm of what you consider to be mainstream or vanilla sex. So, yes, kink is going to mean something different to everyone. For you, kink might be fluffy handcuffs, and for your neighbour, perhaps a full gimp suit. And both are fine by me! But, if there’s one thing we can all agree on about kinky play, it’s that kink and consent go hand-in-hand.
Whether it’s anal sex or shibari, these activities often have more risk involved with added physical or emotional (or both!) pressure to think about. That’s why kinky communities have already done a lot of work to create frameworks for safety and trust. From Safe, Sane & Consensual (SSC) to my personal favourite, Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), what all of these frameworks have in common is that establishing trust and getting consent is the cornerstone of kinky play.
Here’s how to respectfully explore kink with others without crossing any boundaries.
Before you involve anyone else, get a read on your own sexual boundaries first. What is it about a particular kinky activity that gets you excited? Who do you want to explore it with? What would be too much for you? What turns you on? What are your hard nos? What do you need to feel safe, and what protections can you put in place to avoid negative outcomes? The more you know about your own boundaries, the easier it will be to communicate these with others and to respect theirs.
Never do anything kinky without asking for permission first, no matter how tame you think it is. Spanking, toys, rough sex, and degradation; they all require communication and approval beforehand.
If it’s a new partner, always meet the person somewhere neutral, like a cafe or bar, first to get a feel for them. Then go away and give yourself time to ensure that you feel safe with that person. You need to feel confident that they will respect your boundaries. If you don’t think they will, find someone else.
If it’s a long-term partner you want to play with, set a time to have a chat with them when you are both in a good headspace for an honest and open conversation. Let them know what it is you want to try, why it’s important to you, and why you want to do it with them. And be specific so there aren’t surprises. If it’s a particular toy or BDSM tool, show them a photo and description so they know exactly what you are talking about. You could also send them articles or resources, or even watch porn that relates to it, if that’s going to help make it clearer.
Then give them space and time to answer rather than expecting a response then and there. They might need more time to process it, to learn more about it, or just to consider it if it’s something they haven’t thought of before.
And, try not to be afraid of rejection. Your partner not being into one of your kinks doesn’t mean they aren’t into you. We are all into different things, and not everything will be a match every time. There might be an element of the kink they are into, but other parts that they aren’t. So start there!
No matter if it’s an old or new partner, talk openly about each of your interests, boundaries and limits, and don’t push back on someone's hard boundaries or try to negotiate them. And if they do this to you, get out of there!
Never assume that someone is keen for kinky sex because they have done it before or say they are into it on their dating profile. You need to get permission every time and renegotiate what the play is going to look like. Do either of you have any physical restrictions, like injuries or conditions to consider? Are they things that you’ve done in the past that one of you isn’t feeling today?
If you’re anything like me, talking about it together is going to get you excited and fantasising about all the fun you’re about to have, but save it for after you’ve laid out the ground rules and listened properly. Trust me, the fun can wait for a few minutes. It’s edging!
And don’t forget the safe word! This can be used at any time to stop things if it’s becoming too much. Use something that would sound out of place during sex so you don’t miss it, or use the traffic light system, where green means keep going, yellow means slow down, and red means stop.
Consent isn’t a once-and-done thing, especially in kinky play. Check in throughout the session to make sure you are both having a good time and aren’t feeling overwhelmed. Do this verbally, but watch for signs too. Has your partner gone quieter than usual, or are they looking emotionally withdrawn? Stop what you are doing and check in.
And always stick to the boundaries you have set and don’t get carried away in the moment. If you do accidentally cross a line, stop and debrief about it. We all make mistakes, but getting defensive or ignoring them won’t do you any good. Accept it and discuss ways to prevent it from happening again.
Look, I know it’s all sexy and exciting trying something new, but please go at the right pace for you and your partner. Don’t rush into anything, push anything that they aren’t ready for, or try something that you don’t know enough about yet.
Go slow, dip your toes in, explore, tease and draw things out. Kinky play is meant to be pleasurable after all, so enjoy the moment rather than rushing through it. You don’t have to tick everything off your list right away!
Kinky activities can be draining physically and mentally, so ensure that you are both getting what you need from each other after the fact. It might be cuddles, a warm shower or just a glass of water and a snack. And, keep it going! Message them later that day or the following day to check all is well. I don’t care how busy you are; it’s not hard to send a quick message.
Remember that setting boundaries and getting consent do not limit your pleasure in any way. In fact, I’d argue that they do the opposite. When you know exactly what the person you are about to play with is into and happy to do, you can both play without having to worry about what’s coming next and any unwelcome surprises. You both know you are into each other, and you both know exactly what turns each other on. Sounds like it's gonna be some pretty hot sex to me!
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